Friday, June 23, 2006

Chapter 5: Great Falls

"Sister, we need to bring you up to speed on gay culture. I was simply shocked when you disputed whether or not Andy Gibb killed himself over Victoria Principal. Myocarditis, my ass. First, he had perfect hair. Second, he killed himself over Victoria Principal. That's all you need to know."

Nina had suggested they go to Great Falls for the day. Nacho agreed to go, although he was not too sure what Great Falls meant; however, he was an accommodating friend. That was one of his charms.

Nacho lit up a cigarette as they got out of the car. "Now, Cher is a little more complicated. The hairstyles and the outfits alone. I'm going to have to make you an outline. Wait a minute, Nina." Nacho stopped and took a dramatic drag on his cigarette. "Is this hiking? Because I don't like hiking."

"Nacho, it's a 50 meter walk from the parking lot to the overlook. I don't think it can be classified as hiking. Can you make it?"

"Sure, darling. For you, I'll do it. Oh my god! What is that born again blow job giver doing here?!"

Nina looked where Nacho was looking. At the rail, there was a very pretty woman they both knew as a lesbian for the last 3 years. But there she was, gazing at the falls and holding hands with a man.

Her name was Jennifer, and they called her Lesbian Jen because they knew so many Jens that each one needed a qualifier. Now what were they going to do? Time for a cocktail.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Chapter 4: Lunch at Luna

Weeks after returning from Atlantic City, Nina and Nacho found themselves hanging out at Luna Grill having lunch. Nina's friends, Irwin and Sasha, joined them. Nacho had a little getting-to-know-you chat with Sasha.

"I grew up in Long Island, near the water," Sasha told him.
"Oh, really. Did your family have a boat?"
"A jet ski?"
"Water wings?"

Nina really loved Nacho, but introducing him to her friends was always a little touch-and-go. Fortunately, Sasha was not a sensitive soul.

An acquaintance of Nacho's walked in Luna, saw Nacho, came over to their booth and chatted for a minute. Nacho introduced him as Andrew, a former co-worker. He was tall and slender and had piercing blue eyes and very tan skin. By his manner, it was apparent that Andrew thought he was especially good-looking, and the type of women who liked Nick Lachey probably agreed that he was very attractive. After he left, Nina asked whether Andrew was gay.

"He's GIFY," Nacho answered.
"What's that?"
"Gay In Five Years."

The conversation continued over sweet potato fries.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Chapter 3: The Don Rickles Show

Later that evening, everyone prepared for the concert back at Travis' house. This was somewhat less important than their seat filler night at The Grammys, but it was still up there; after all, they were in Atlantic City and this was Don Rickles, King of Insult Comedy. Nacho wore his green sateen House of Pain jacket over a tight black T-shirt, jeans and green cowboy boots. It was an ensemble he had given some thought to, but Patrick had to question it. "I think your jacket looks better zipped up. Why are you going with it open?"

"Why did Picasso put the nose on the butt?" Nacho replied. "Let's go."

The show was thoroughly enjoyable, and they decided to use their gay clout to meet Mr. Snappy Comeback himself. Unfortunately, they didn't get far; theatre security dismissed them with a snide: "You know what they say: no ass, no backstage pass."

"Oh, well. We can always party with Connie or Tina. Let's hit the casinos."

Friday, May 26, 2006

Chapter 2: Nina, Nacho and Patrick Head to Atlantic City

With Patrick driving, the three of them hit the road and headed north east looking forward to riding the New Jersey Turnpike and the Atlantic City Expressway. Unfortunately, Nacho had pushed a little too hard in his spinning class, and he didn't know if his butt could handle the 3 hour drive. He had been complaining to Nina all morning about his aching butt. When Patrick picked them up, Nacho informed Patrick that his butt was sore. "Sometimes your eyes are bigger than your butt. Didn't your mother ever tell you that, Nacho?"

With that problem (or at least the whining part) disposed of properly, they were off. Three hours later, they arrived at the home of Patrick's friend, Travis, in Atlantic City. Nina and Nacho were to share a room. They put their bags in the room, and checked out the bed, as they were both compulsively neat and obsessed with laundry. "Do you think I should change the sheets, Nacho?"

"Jes, girl! Those sheets look like a straight man's underwear!" The two completed the work at hand before moving on to the pleasure part of the trip: looking for eye tacos on the boardwalk.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Chapter 1: Nina and Nacho Plan A Trip To Atlantic City

Nina Olasky came to Washington, DC from Indiana. She worked in a job that is not worth discussing. Much more interesting were her extracurricular activities, which mostly revolved around hanging out with her girlfriends and gay men; that is, her girlfriends and her other girlfriends. She was what is known as a fag hag.

Nacho Cesar was one of her girlfriends. They had brunch one day with their friend, Patrick, and talked about going to Atlantic City.

"Don Rickles is playing Atlantic City. Let's go!" Patrick said. "I'll drive and we can stay with my friend, Travis."
"Does he have cats? I can't stay in his place if he does. I'm allergic to cats," Nina said.
"Well, we are similar, because I am allergic to pussy," Nacho said.

They laughed, and then moved on to Nacho giving Patrick his birthday present. Patrick opened it and said, "WOW! No one's ever given me a Varvados sweater before . . . wait a minute . . ."
"Yeah, it's the one I borrowed from you. I Fe-breezed it. Happy Birthday!" Nacho blew him a kiss.

The happy three sipped their mimosas and talked about the trip logistics.

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